


Time To Pretend

by kingquentin, Shoshana_Rose



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Beast (The Magicians), Humor, M/M, POV Multiple, season 1 AU, sometimes you end up with a boyfriend after getting dunked on by your friends all night, this started off as crack and now we don’t know what it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27647812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingquentin/pseuds/kingquentin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoshana_Rose/pseuds/Shoshana_Rose
Summary: “A drinking game, duh… something fun that’ll let us get to know each other a little better. Share our dirty secrets, craziest stories, weirdest thing we’ve ever been caught doing… The naughtier the better.” Margo winks.“An icebreaker, Bambi? How pedestrian.” Eliot sighs.Hopefully he can make it through this without the others discovering that a certain someone holds status as an urban legend in his hometown. Maybe he’ll get lucky and make it through another night without being recognized.
Relationships: Margo Hanson & Eliot Waugh, Quentin Coldwater & Eliot Waugh, Quentin Coldwater & Julia Wicker, Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh, William "Penny" Adiyodi & Eliot Waugh
Comments: 13
Kudos: 90





	Time To Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as a crack fic, and then turned into *waves hands* whatever this is, lol. Writing this together was so incredibly fun and we cannot believe the amazing time we had working on it!
> 
> This is the first time for both of us collabing with another author, and writing multiple points of view, so sorry if the POV switches get a little confusing!
> 
> Thank you so much to Sarah (meatydanish on tumblr, peaknaivety on ao3) for betareading <3 We love you Miss Meat!

Quentin has been living at the Physical Kids Cottage for a few months now. His eclectic group of friends just sort of fell in together after starting at Brakebills. Penny and Quentin had been roommates in the dorms, as had Kady and Julia. Even after being split up into their disciplines, they still gravitate towards each other in their downtime. And when Eliot and Margo decided to adopt him, the Cottage naturally became a sort of home base for the group. 

They’re all spread out on the various couches in the common room. For once they have the entire place to themselves, with no random stragglers to worry about interrupting their conversation. Josh leans back into the jeanbag chair and takes a rip from his bong. When he blows it out, the smoke shifts into a harpy. It flies around the room and disappears through the floor. Alice is sitting primly next to Quentin, sipping the drink that Eliot hands to her. Eliot stalks back to the bar cart and starts making another cocktail. He keeps glancing over at Penny, who is sitting on the big white couch with Kady and Julia. Quentin’s brows pull together and he frowns as he observes Eliot’s frequent glances. 

“Are you okay, Q?” Julia calls from across the room, giving him a reassuring smile. 

“Oh, um — yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks, Jules.” Quentin stutters. God, she doesn’t miss anything. She’s known about his giant crush on Eliot since they first got to Brakebills. He’d told her about the hot guy who’d led him to the exam room the second that they both learned they were officially admitted students. She’d teased him throughout the entire tour that Eliot and Margo had given them, and hasn’t stopped since. 

Eliot finishes making his drink and plops down next to Margo. Quentin’s eyes follow him, as they usually do. Eliot always gets so twitchy whenever Penny is around, but Quentin can’t blame him for crushing on the psychic. Hell, even Quentin is kind of crushing on Penny — he might be a raging asshole, but come on, Quentin has eyes. Penny’s insanely hot. He just never expected Eliot of all people to get nervous around someone he wanted to fuck. Images of Penny and Eliot start flooding his mind. Jeez, the image of the two of them together is...a lot. Quentin takes another gulp of his drink. He’s got to keep it together. Penny can literally read his thoughts, and he _will_ bully him if he hears him thirsting over him. And Eliot. And Penny and Eliot together. Julia raises an eyebrow at him before turning back to Kady and Penny. 

— 

Eliot takes a deep breath and settles himself next to Margo. His heartbeat had picked up significantly after handing Penny his drink. His stress levels this semester have been through the roof and none of it has to do with school work. Walking around campus constantly on guard is becoming tiresome, he can’t help it though — everytime he sees Penny he’s transported back 9 years. He still remembers Penny confronting him about his weirdness a few days ago. 

_Penny had marched directly up to Eliot in the library and growled, “What the fuck is up, Waugh? You haven’t stopped staring at me since I walked in. The fuck is your problem?”_

_Eliot had startled, then leaned back in his chair to look up at Penny. “I have no idea to what you are referring, Penny, I’m currently very focused on studying…” he glanced down at his book, “...Applied... Geomancy…?” He said slowly, looking back up at Penny, who quirked an eyebrow in suspicion._

_They stared at each other. Eliot refused to be the first to break eye contact — he would_ not _be intimidated. Penny finally rolled his eyes, annoyed by Eliot’s constant dramatics. “Yeah, okay, Eliot, whatever you say. Just cut that shit out,” he turned around and walked away with a huff._

_Eliot had sighed, dragging his hands down his face in despair. He’d recognized Penny the second he’d first seen him — the mysterious boy from the salon. Eliot would never forget his face. He remembered being 15, closeted, wearing his older brother’s ill-fitting hand-me-down clothes, and living in the middle of fucking Indiana. He’d taken one look at the other boy, covered in spaghetti-o’s and holding a hot pocket in each hand, and thought, ‘mmm, boy hot’._

So that’s how Eliot has been doing lately. Trying to function as normally as possible with his hometown’s favorite urban legend casually walking around campus with him. Just waiting for his inevitable doom when Penny finally gets his head out of his ass and recognizes him. 

— 

“Ugh, I’m bored, why don’t we play a little game?” Margo asks, smirking in everyone’s general vicinity. 

“What kind of game?” Julia asks, interest instantly piqued. Quentin has known Julia for most of their lives, and in all of that time, she’s never been able to resist a party game of any sort. 

“A drinking game, duh… something fun that’ll let us get to know each other a little better. Share our dirty secrets, craziest stories, weirdest thing we’ve ever been caught doing… The naughtier the better.” She winks.  
  
“An icebreaker, Bambi? How pedestrian.” Eliot sighs, settling further into the couch as Margo cuddles closer to him. 

  
“Don’t be a bitch, you love shit like this,” Margo says in a playfully mocking tone, slapping his leg. 

“Only when it’s truly scandalous,” Eliot smirks at her. He gives her a look and they both start to laugh, no doubt remembering especially juicy secrets they’d pried from people in the past. 

“Okay, but what are the rules?” Kady’s disinterested tone is betrayed by the fact that she’s leaning forward, clearly ready to start playing already. How they all manage to get bored at a school for literal magic is beyond Quentin. 

“Oh!” Josh says excitedly, nearly spilling his drink all over himself in his haste to sit up straighter. “How about we take turns sharing stories, and if everyone thinks yours is boring or made up, you have to chug the rest of your drink. But if it turns out you were telling the truth, everyone else has to do a shot! I’ll even go first!” He beams, looking at each of them in turn, as if his raised eyebrows and dorkily excited cherubic face can convince them alone. 

Eliot sighs again, but Quentin notices that he looks more tense than he did a minute ago. “Fine, fine. Let’s do it. I’ll make everyone an even stronger next round of drinks. Might as well give credence to the allegation that I’m creating a generation of lushes.” He pauses to wipe some imaginary dust off of his vest, as if to let them know that, although he’s willing to play this game, he still finds it beneath him. “Go on, Hoberman. Make it a good one. I’ll get those shots ready.” Eliot presses a kiss to Margo’s temple as he gets up, heading to the bar to put eight shot glasses onto a tray and floating various bottles of liquor behind him. 

“Now, not to brag or anything, but I was on tv once.” Josh brags, clearly very proud of himself. 

“Really? When was this?” Julia asks, always the good sport. She’s such a genuinely good person that instantly befriends everyone she meets, so it’s no surprise that she’s weirdly good friends with Josh. Quentin remembers Penny being very confused by that friendship at the start of the semester. 

“In undergrad! My friends convinced me to apply for a cooking competition, and lemme just say, I kicked ass. Those plebeians had no idea what they were in for when Chef Hoberman showed up! And the host may or may not have been a very famous Food Network personality,” he says, leaning forward conspiratorially. 

“Oh my god, I love that channel. Who was it?” Julia asks. She isn’t lying, she really does love it. Quentin had been roped into watching more Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen marathons during undergrad than he could possibly count.  


Josh takes another hit and pauses, holding in the smoke, before letting it out all at once. He’s really leaning into the drama of the story, seeming to love being the center of attention for the moment. “Guy. Fucking. Fieri.” 

“No the fuck it wasn’t, you’re totally lying!” Margo says, pointing an accusatory finger at him. 

“I am not!” Josh says defensively. 

“If you met Guy Fieri you would’ve mentioned it way before now. You’d be showing off selfies with him to anyone that would listen.” Eliot points out. 

“What show? What year was it? We’ll look up the episode right now.” Julia says, ignoring them both, already pulling out her phone.  
  
“I — it was — ugh, you know what, fine,” Josh huffs in disappointment. “It wasn’t Guy Fieri. It wasn’t the Food Network either.” 

“Let me guess,” Margo drawls, examining her nails. “It was some nameless one-off competition in a tiny little town that only aired on your local channel. I bet there wasn’t even an actual prize.” 

“You know, you don’t have to be so mean about it,” Josh says as a few people laugh. “It was really exciting at the time.”  
  
“What a dreadful way to start us off. Bottoms up, Hoberman. Finish that and maybe I’ll make you a real drink.” Eliot says, cringing as Josh throws the rest of his beer back. He heads to the bar cart to get started on a cocktail. 

“Sorry for being so boring. Julia, my one _real_ friend, do you wanna go next?” Josh asks as he accepts his new drink from Eliot. 

— 

“Do international news stories count?” Julia responds, causing everyone’s heads to whip towards her. 

“Uh, yes bitch, _spill_ ,” Margo leans forward, anticipating an especially juicy story. 

“I got caught hooking up with Her Royal Highness Princess Elisabeth Maria of Liechtenstein,” Julia says casually and then takes a sip of her drink. 

Quentin lets out a laugh, “I can’t believe I forgot about that!” 

Everyone’s jaws are practically on the floor. 

“A princess? Nice pull,” Josh comments blowing smoke out of his mouth. If he weren’t across the room from Julia, he definitely would’ve leaned in for a high five. 

“Knowledge girl has some unexpected game,” Margo says, giving Julia an appreciative look up and down. “Okay, Wicker, I see you.” 

“My dear Hoolia, we _need_ the details, context, everything. Right now.” Eliot zeroes in on Julia, glad to have something interesting to focus on instead of whether or not Penny is finally going to recognize him and end his life as he knows it. 

“It was at the International Debutante Ball,” Julia shrugs, as if to say _where else?_

“Holy shit, you got an invite to that?” Margo sounds fascinated. “My dad wanted me to apply, but I never really cared much for the debutante scene. Mama’s impressed, Wicker.” 

Julia smirks, “I’m a legacy, so I didn’t have much choice. My mom and my sister were both debs. I said okay because they kept marketing it as a ‘networking event’. I guess you could say I was pretty successful in that.” 

“No kidding,” Quentin laughs into his hand. 

Julia rolls her eyes. “We spent all year going to these different events, learning to be the ‘crème de la crème’ of high society,” she says, waving her hands around. “It was boring as shit, but I got along with a few of the other girls. Her Highness and I had been hooking up for half the season, and of course, got caught at the Ball. A pap walked in and it was over for us. My mom wouldn’t stop crying about how I ruined everything; she’d paid tens of thousands of dollars just to get me in, not to mention the $11,000 dress, the table, and the room at the Waldorf Astoria,” Julia finishes, laughing at the memory of her mother absolutely losing her shit. 

Everyone but Quentin looks at her with wide eyes. “Julia... are you... rich?” Josh asks, wide-eyed and dumbfounded. 

“I’m comfortable.” Julia shrugs nonchalantly. “Anyway, I ended up in Liechtenstein’s tabloids. It’s also how I came out to my mom!” She chirps, sitting back satisfied. 

“Holy shit, she’s telling the truth.” Margo flips her phone around to show the rest of the room a grainy photo underneath a headline of German: it showed Julia locking lips with a pretty blonde who had a hand stuffed down Julia’s dress. Julia sips her drink, wiggling her eyebrows at the others.  
  
“Damn, girl. I can’t believe you got outed by the paparazzi.” Penny says as he gives the photos an appreciative look. 

Eliot walks around with the tray of shots, handing them out one by one. 

“I can’t believe you’re bougie enough to have debuted with literal royalty,” Kady says, raising her eyebrows. “I don’t know if I can beat that.”  


“You can certainly try,” Julia says, giving her what Quentin thinks is an oddly flirty look. “Bottoms up, everyone!” They all take a shot. 

— 

“My mom’s a Hedge, so I grew up in that world,” Kady says as she sets her shot glass on the table. “We bounced around a few different safehouses before finding a coven that was the right fit for us. When I was twelve we got into a war with another group. They kept trying to expand into our turf and recruit people we had our eye on, so we said fuck it, and took the fight to them. We managed to take down a bunch of them, but someone must have called backup in time because we were suddenly overrun. Me and another kid got separated from the rest of our group when shit went down. The safehouse was set up really weird, and we were just dumb kids, so we got lost. We were being chased all around the place, and we couldn’t find a way out. We got cornered by a whole group, so I had two options: either we get caught in that deadend or I blast my way through. I wasn’t about to be another coven’s errand bitch, so I blasted through the wall with battle magic without a second thought.” 

Kady sits back satisfied, taking in everyone’s amazed looks. There’s a full thirty seconds of awed silence before Julia cuts in, “That’s not completely true though, is it?” 

Her question is immediately followed by a chorus of _What?_ and _Are you kidding me?!_ from the rest of the group. 

Kady groans. “Seriously, Jules? You’re gonna expose me like that?” 

“Sorry, Kady,” Julia doesn’t look even a little bit sorry. She gives Kady a flirty smile as she takes a sip from her own glass. “Drink up, buttercup!” Kady knocks back the rest of her whiskey. 

“So was that, like, completely made up?” Quentin asks. 

“We did get in skirmishes with other covens a lot, but they were usually pretty minor. No one wanted to test each other like that. For the record, though, I did blast through a wall on my first try. It was just my own coven’s safehouse. They had me doing bitch work for three whole months as punishment. Had to carry everything for everyone’s rituals on my own, and I even got the _pleasure_ of harvesting the nastiest smelling ingredients by hand.” Kady pours herself another glass of Jameson — unlike everyone else, she doesn’t need Eliot to wait on her like some sort of glorified servant. After all, she doesn’t even drink all of the fancy concoctions he makes. She likes her whiskey straight and strong. 

“How did you manage to do battle magic at twelve? It takes so much focus and discipline,” Alice says, clearly impressed. 

“Are hedges out there teaching it to all the little babies?” Margo asks. 

“Nope, I’m just a badass, and maybe just a _little_ bit of a secret overachiever.” Kady shrugs, making her way back to the couch. 

“ _So_ badass,” Josh says. “The rest of us didn’t doubt you for a second!” 

  
“Your turn, Coldwater,” Kady says as she sits down, spreading out on the couch and leaning slightly into Penny. 

— 

Quentin laughs a little. “I definitely don’t think I’ll be able to follow that up, real or not.” He tucks his hair behind his ear shyly. “Um.” He mumbles, staring into the middle of the room as he thinks for a moment. “Oh! So, you guys know I’m a little nerdy-” 

“A little?” Penny laughs, and Quentin shoots him an annoyed look. Eliot will never understand Penny’s aversion to Q. 

“So, Jules and I used to go to New York Comic Con every year, and one year, when we were in high school, they, um — they actually had the voice actor who played Martin Chatwin in the BBC’s radio drama of the Fillory books as a guest.” Quentin can barely contain his smile. Eliot imagines that even just thinking about it takes Quentin right back to being that excited kid, getting to experience a whole new part of his favorite thing in the world. He’s so fucking cute. “We, uh, actually dressed up to go to his panel.” 

“Seriously? Ugh, I’m so jealous. I’d cut a bitch for a chance to see any of that cast,” Margo sighs wistfully. Sometimes Eliot forgets how much of a dork his Bambi is. 

“You say that as if we didn’t cosplay the entire weekend,” Julia says with a teasing smile. “We got really lucky with some thrift store finds.”  


“We had to make your cape, though.” Quentin smiles back at her, before turning his attention back to the room at large. “Anyway, we went to his panel, and it was fascinating, to hear about how much research and dedication he put into his role — but, um, I guess that part’s not important.” He says sheepishly, as Penny lets out an overly dramatic irritated sigh. “So, we stayed the entire day, like, til the very last panel was over, and as we were taking the elevator on our way out — guess who got in with us?” 

“Q was _so_ cute,” Julia continues. “He was so excited he couldn’t even speak. I swear to god I thought he was gonna faint.” Quentin groans and hides his face in a pillow, so he misses Eliot’s eyes shining at him. Margo, unfortunately, does not. 

He blushes, “I couldn’t help it!! He rarely went to cons, this was a huge deal!” Quentin exclaims. God he’s so lovely, Eliot wants to eat him alive. 

“I got him to take a picture with Q. He was absolutely mortified about it, but it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.” Julia says, ever the proud best friend. 

Penny scoffs, “That’s it? _That’s_ your most exciting story? God, how boring are you, man?” 

“Stop being so mean to my little Q,” Margo scolds Penny. “I would’ve been just as excited. That radio drama was so good, I don’t even know how many times I’ve listened to it.” 

“Not all of us had crazy and exciting lives before magic,” Quentin says petulantly. “Some of us were just, like, normal.” He’s _such_ a brat. Eliot’s so enamored with him. “Magic being real is the wildest thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m sorry I’ve led such a boring life.” 

“Hey, now,” Eliot says, unable to let Quentin think badly about himself. “You’re not boring. Besides, I can almost guarantee Penny’s story will be entirely bullshit. He’s not nearly as interesting as he likes to think he is.” Eliot could already feel himself breaking out into a nervous sweat. He very much knew that whatever Penny’s story would be, based on the tiny glimpse he’d gotten of Penny’s past, it would not be fabricated. 

“It’s pathetic, but it’s not a lie. Your wards are still shit, Coldwater. Don’t think I didn’t notice your little fantasy earlier.” Penny gives Quentin a knowing look that clearly makes him uncomfortable. 

Everyone takes their shots as Quentin squirms a bit, blushing beet red. Eliot wonders what the hell that little fantasy comment could be about. 

“No, no — I wasn’t — God, Penny.” Quentin stutters, “So, uh, El? Um, what’s your story?” Quentin asks, clearly trying to divert attention away from himself. 

“Hmm?” Eliot hums, “Oh, me?” He asks, panicking slightly. What if _his_ wards aren’t as good as he thinks? “No, no,” his voice shakes the tiniest bit. God, he’s got to get a hold of himself. “I’m not sure you’re all ready for that story yet. We must save the best for last, after all.” His eyes dart around looking for someone who hasn’t gone yet. He lands on Margo beside him, his darling Bambi, platonic love of his life, always there to save him and clean up his messes. “Bambi? Why don’t you grace us with a depraved story? I know you’ve got plenty to choose from.” He throws back the rest of his drink and stands to make himself another, needing something to do to distract himself. 

— 

Margo raises an eyebrow at Eliot, praying that he pulls it together. She can’t take much more of his combined panic over being discovered by Penny and his giant crush on Quentin. She still remembers his reaction to seeing the two of them together the first time, when he dragged her to meet Quentin before their little walking tour. 

_“Quentin!” Eliot said, waltzing into the room like he owned it, eyes only for his new first year boy. “This is the interruption you’ve been waiting for.”_

_Margo had greeted Quentin flirtily, giving him a look up and down and declaring he wasn’t_ that _cute. Couldn’t risk Eliot’s attention going to his head this early on._

_As they turned to leave, Eliot’s gaze wandered around the room, landing on Quentin’s roommate. He tensed, grabbing her arm in a death grip and giving her a look that clearly said,_ holy shit, emergency, we need to talk ASAP. 

_If it weren’t so out of character for Eliot’s guard to drop like that in front of anyone but her, she might have forgotten all about it during the tour they gave to Quentin and his little friend. God, she was hot. And fairly receptive to Margo’s flirting._

_“Okay, El, what the fuck was that earlier?” she asked the moment they were alone._

_Eliot ran his fingers through his hair, mussing it up. “I’ve seen him before. Quentin’s roommate, I know him. Well, I don’t_ know him _, know him, I just-” Eliot talked a mile a minute, pacing around the room, and it honestly freaked her out to see him like that._

_“El, sweetheart, take a deep breath for me,” she cut him off, grabbing his arm to stop his frantic pacing. He heaved in a breath. God, whatever happened with this guy must have been bad to make Eliot freak out so much. She hadn’t seen him like this since The Shrooms Incident with Hoberman that he made her swear never to mention again._

_“You know where I'm from, where I’m_ actually _from. Well, he was there, I saw him there. He was there Bambi, he knows me, he’s going to tell everyone that I’m from fucking,” he glanced around, lowering his voice unnecessarily, “_ Indiana. _”_

_Oh, fuck. This was going to be a giant pain in her ass, she just knew it._

Unfortunately, Past Margo was correct in that assumption. She sighs dramatically, “Gather ‘round children, Mama has a story for you.” 

“Hey! I’m older than you,” Josh says, looking slightly offended. 

Margo rolls her eyes. “Then start acting like it, Hoberman,” she says, and winks at him. 

Eliot gracefully retakes his seat at Margo’s side, a new drink for each of them in hand. She takes the drink offered to her and squeezes his knee in thanks. “Well it was our first time at Encanto Oculto.” 

Alice pales at the name. 

“At what-a-what??” Quentin asks, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

“Encanto Oculto, Little Q, is a solid week of sun, drugs, and magical art in Ibiza. Time stops, reality bends, and you fuck five times a day." Margo grins obscenely. 

"On a bad day," Eliot adds haughtily. 

“Oh. Nice.” Quentin says shakily. Margo bets he’s trying not to think of Eliot spread out on a Mediterranian beach in nothing but a speedo… or just nothing. He takes a gulp of his drink, pretty much proving her point. 

Margo smirks at the two of them, they _really_ need to get their shit together. “Anyway. I had a threesome with Penn and Teller.” 

The entire room sits in silence. Margo lounges back against Eliot, basking in their stunned disbelief. She can feel Eliot shaking the slightest bit behind her, barely able to keep it together, but not noticeable to anyone but her. As always, she’s impressed by his ability to hold in his reactions to the spontaneous shit that leaves her mouth. _Her_ best friend would never out any of the myths she weaves for herself. 

Josh leans forward in the jeanbag chair and narrows his eyes at her, “Bullshit.” He points his bong in her direction. She reaches out to take it from him. If he’s gonna brandish it at her, he might as well let her take a hit of it. Kind of rude of him not to share to begin with, Margo thinks. 

“Are they even real Magicians?” Penny asks skeptically. 

“Um, yeah, they are!” Quentin says excitedly, squirming in his seat. Margo loves this little dork so much. “It’s really interesting, they actually met at Brakebills — they were apparently brilliant students, but they only stayed for a year, because they learned everything they felt they needed, but they still sometimes come back for ment-”  
  
“I don’t give a fuck! I did not ask for a fanboy rant, man. No one wants to hear that shit.” Penny grumbles at him. Penny is lucky he’s so good looking. It’s the only reason Margo lets him get away with talking to one of her boys like that — he’s extra hot when he’s pissed. 

Josh cuts in, “Well I _am_ a fanboy, and the real ones all know that Penn and Teller are teetotalers.” Everyone stares blankly at him, waiting for an explanation. 

“Are fucking what?” Margo asks. 

“Teetotalers? Seriously, you guys haven’t heard of them? They have this whole philosophy about not drinking or doing drugs. Complete sobriety.” 

“Why the hell,” Eliot asks flippantly, “do you think that _we_ of all people would’ve heard of that?” 

“And why the hell do _you_ know that?” Kady asks as she watches Josh light up the bong yet again. 

“I’ve been a huge fan all my life, and when they came here as mentors in my first year I almost lost it, I was so excited. I tried to get them to chill out, you know, offered them some of my finest products, but they were _very_ anti. I think the real question here is what the hell were two famously sober Magicians doing at a weeklong drug-induced sex party? Huh, Margo?” 

“.....fine” she drawls, “You caught me. I never fucked Penn and Teller at a magical sex festival, but you all believed me for a second there, didn’t you.” She chugs the rest of her drink and hands the empty martini glass to Eliot for a refill. 

“Now, now, Bambi.” Eliot pushes himself off of the couch again, “It’s honesty time. You never fucked them at all,” he says breezily as he dramatically shakes the cocktail shaker 

“That you know of,” Margo smirks at him. 

— 

“Speaking of magical sex festivals…” Alice grimaces. Everyone turns towards her so quickly, there’s a good chance at least one of them will get whiplash.  


“What the fuck?” Quentin says, flabbergasted. 

Margo looks absolutely _delighted_. “Now _this_ is what I meant by scandalous stories! Got something naughty you wanna share with us, kitty cat?” She practically purrs, giving Alice a salacious look up and down as if she’s seeing her for the first time. 

Alice shoots her an unamused look. “I wasn’t actually involved.” 

Margo sits back, crossing her arms with a disappointed huff, “You’re such a tease.” 

Alice rolls her eyes and continues her story. “My parents are really into historical magic. Like, too into it. They put all kinds of magical enhancements on our house to make it look like whatever historical era they’re currently obsessed with.” Alice pauses to take a sip of her cocktail, then takes a deep breath, as if to prepare herself for the next part. “They celebrate all of the Roman holidays, and Veneralia is one of their favorites. They go all out for it.” 

“Uh, what is that?” Quentin asks. 

“It’s the Roman festival of Venus. The goddess of love?” she says, raising an eyebrow. “Anyway, they try to stay as historically accurate as possible. They make all of the weird foods, like goat penis-” she pauses, cut off by the sound of Josh choking on his drink, which turns into a coughing fit. 

“Goat _what now_?” he says as soon as he catches his breath. 

“Seriously, what the fuck?” Kady says, a disgusted look on her face. 

Alice sighs. “It supposedly promotes virility or something. I don’t know, my parents are crazy people. That’s not even the worst part.” 

“Um. There are worse parts involved than eating goat penis?” Quentin asks hesitantly. 

"Awww," Margo says with a mocking smile, reaching across to pat him on the leg. "Bless your little heart.” 

“Don’t knock goat dick ‘til you’ve tried it, Q,” Eliot teases, clearly unable to help himself. 

Alice raises an eyebrow. “I walked past my dad leading a guy around by a chain once on my way out of the house. And that’s not even to mention the orgies.” she turns to Margo. “They were pretty jealous when Encanto Oculto started. They always dramatically lamented being ‘too old’ for it, saying how they wished it was around when they were younger.” She shudders at the thought. 

Margo sighs dramatically. “So you’re telling me that I missed my chance to fuck your mom? What do I have to do to get an invite to one of these Veneralia parties?” 

Alice opens her mouth, clearly disgusted and offended, but nothing comes out. It seems like Margo has finally rendered her speechless. 

“Okay!” Julia says, getting up to pat Josh on the back as he chokes on his drink yet again. He really has bad timing when it comes to taking a sip. “I think we’ve heard enough. Poor Josh here might actually die if you keep going.” 

“I’m good!” he says. “Would never guess that someone like you had parents like _that_.” Josh looks at Alice with furrowed brows. “I mean, no offense.” 

“I think that’s supposed to be a compliment,” Alice responds quietly, choosing to ignore Margo’s earlier comment entirely. 

“That’s way too fucked up to be made up. No need to finish that drink, although I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I certainly would.” Eliot says, gesturing for everyone else to take a shot. 

Julia perches herself on the arm of Quentin’s chair. She leans down to whisper in his ear, “There’s something weird going on with Eliot and Penny, did you notice?” she asks, and he nods. She leans a little closer, pitching her voice even lower. “You think they ever fucked?” 

“ _Julia!_ ” He exclaims, almost knocking their heads together. “Please do not put that image in my head.” He grumbles, pretending it wasn’t already there and shooting a glance at Penny, who is otherwise occupied in conversation with Kady for the moment. Julia cackles as she heads back to her original seat with them. 

— 

Penny clears his throat, “Man, I don’t even know which story to fucking choose.” They all turn their attention away from a bright red Alice and towards Penny, who’s sitting on the back of the couch. He throws back the rest of his drink, “There are too many.” 

“You’re supposed to wait to finish that until _after_ your story,” Eliot sighs, already getting up to fix him another. “I’m making this one extra strong for making me get up early.” He grabs Penny’s glass out of his hand and heads back to the bar table. 

“Fuck off, Eliot, I’m not the one who needs to be worried.” Penny scoffs. 

Eliot stops in his tracks, his entire body going rigid. He whips around with a manic look in his eyes, “And what do you mean by that?” 

“I mean I’m not lying so I won’t need another drink, the rest of y’all will need shots though,” Penny looks at him like he’s grown another head. “Seriously, man, what the fuck is your deal lately?” 

“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Eliot says dismissively, grabbing a bottle of bourbon roughly, pouring three fingers into Penny’s glass, and shoving it back into his hand. 

Quentin looks around the room, clearly trying to see if anyone else is as confused as he is. Julia looks slightly concerned for Eliot’s well being, Kady looks like she doesn’t give a shit, Margo is sighing and rolling her eyes, and Alice is looking at Eliot like she’s trying to solve him. Josh is too busy trying to light his bong again, muttering to himself as his lighter refuses to work properly. 

“God, Hoberman, just use magic.” Margo snarks. “What, did you just forget you’re a Magician?” 

“To be fair,” Josh says, tutting, “this is some of my best shit.” 

“No wonder you keep hogging it,” Margo says, reaching out and making grabby hands at it. “Give it here. Clearly Eliot needs it more than you do.” 

Eliot looks affronted. “I’m fine, Bambi,” he says through gritted teeth, although he’s already reaching for the bong. 

“Are you sure you’re okay, dude? I haven’t seen you this antsy since that time we did shrooms last year,” Josh says. 

“We don’t talk about that.” Eliot says exasperatedly, exhaling smoke in a dramatic huff. 

“Penny, you were saying,” Alice says, trying to refocus everyone. 

Penny swirls the bourbon around his glass, “I was put in the foster system when I was ten. There were a few homes that weren’t great, and at this one really bad one I ended up just Traveling out. I was in and out of different houses for a while cause I kept ending up in sticky situations because I had no control of my Traveling. It wasn’t always my fault, but I was also a pretty rebellious teen.” He shrugs. “Uuuuuuh, there was this one time I got locked in an indoor farmers market at night in only a tutu, that one was fun. I’d made my way through the fruit stalls and was just about to hit up the dairy section when the security guards came for a walk through. This was before I could really control my Traveling so there was a bit of a chase before I traveled a few blocks away.” 

“How do we know if you’re telling the truth or not? Are we just supposed to take your word for it?” Margo asks suspiciously. “What? Are we just supposed to take a shot because you said so?” 

“Why the fuck would I make that up?” Penny asks snarkily, “You think I wanted to be stuck in a fucking tutu?” 

“Mmm, it does make a pretty picture,” Margo smirks at him, checking him out. 

Penny meets her smirk with one of his own, “Fine, what about this? Another time I Traveled to a zoo by accident. I felt like being an extra little shit, so I broke into the crocodile exhibit, tossed a pair of crocs in, and dipped out.” Penny lounges back with a shit-eating grin, clearly very proud of his younger self. “With the crocodile.” 

“That one’s gotta be a lie. There’s no way you traveled a fucking _crocodile._ ” Margo says. 

“Where did you even get the crocs?” Quentin asks, confused. 

“I put it back the next day,” he smirks, ignoring Quentin. “Took it on a little field trip to a restaurant first, though.” 

“Holy SHIT!” Josh exclaims. “I know that one!” 

“Sure you do,” Kady says dismissively. 

“No, seriously!” Josh pulls his phone out and starts furiously typing. “Look, it was in the newspaper!” He walks around the room showing each of them in turn, and sure enough on the screen there’s a headline that reads, _Detroit Man Breaks Into Crocodile Enclosure, Leaves Behind A Pair Of Crocs_ , then switches to another article titled _Mysterious Crocodile Found In Ann Arbor Wendy’s Suspected To Be Missing Reptile From Detroit Zoo._

“How did you even find this?” Julia asks, reaching a hand out to steady Josh’s wrist as he excitedly waves his phone in front of her face. 

“I’m on this subreddit full of crazy headlines and news stories. One day I noticed that a bunch of the weird ones all had lines about the suspect mysteriously disappearing before they could be apprehended, so I started compiling a ton of them! It’s a whole thing — we even have a discord server for it! It’s too bad that we aren’t at the Treehouse right now, I have a whole conspiracy board set up over there! Man, I can’t believe one of my favorite weird headlines was you all along!” 

“What are you, Ryan Bergara? Is this Buzzfeed Unsolved: Florida Man Edition?” Julia asks, making Quentin laugh. 

“Oh yes, too bad, because we all want to sit on rocks and be overwhelmed by the smell of weed the entire evening,” Eliot drawls, “Luckily we aren’t complete heathens and do in fact have a chalkboard here.” He gestures over to the study corner, “Daddy’s exhausted from making drinks, Q, be a dear and go grab it.” 

Quentin looks at him from his seat, drink in hand, with a positively bratty look on his face. “Why do I have to get it? I’m comfy.” He whines. 

“Ugh, fine, I’ll get it myself,” Eliot waves a hand without breaking eye contact with Quentin and the giant blackboard rolls out and over to them. The Cottage’s residents use it sometimes for studying, but they all know it’s primary use is keeping track of party game scores. The eraser floats up and wipes away last night's drunken push scores. 

Quentin gulps but rolls his eyes at Eliot’s theatrics, “If you could’ve done that from the beginning, why did you even bother asking me?” 

“It would’ve given me a chance to appreciate that cute little ass at work,” Eliot gives him a lecherous grin. 

Quentin blushes and looks away, clearing his throat. “Funny,” he grumbles under his breath. Eliot wasn’t joking. Scout’s honor, he’d rather die than joke about an ass that nice. 

Josh jumps out of his seat and immediately starts writing. “These are some of my favorites,” he says, barely even glancing at his phone as he writes headline after headline. “Are any of them you?” 

Josh points at the first line of text, which reads: _Tampa Man Leads Officers on Chase Through Golf Course._ “This one talked about how the police found the golf cart after an hour-long chase, and the suspect was nowhere to be found. It’s like he vanished into thin air.” He waggles his brows at Penny, who rolls his eyes. 

They all read the other headlines written on the board: 

_Baltimore Man Wanted for Assault After Throwing Hot Dogs at Store Clerk_

_Atlanta Man Takes Golf Cart on Wild Ride Through Walmart_

_Chicago Man Eats Pancakes in Middle of Highway, Blocking Rush Hour Traffic_

_Texas Man Wanted For Dancing On Police Car, Wearing ‘F*ck The Police’ Shirt_

Penny points his drink at the chalkboard with a grin, "I'm most proud of that last one." 

"Wait! They were _all_ you?! Dude! That's awesome!" Josh says, punching the air. “I _knew_ they had to be connected somehow! Oh, if only I could tell the guys on my server!” 

“I gotta say,” Penny says, scratching at his stubble. “This one time in Whiteland was maybe the weirdest.” 

Eliot turns white as a sheet. 

“Where the hell is that?” Kady asks. 

“Bumfuck nowhere, Indiana.”  
  
“ _Whiteland_ had something crazier than kidnapping a crocodile? _Really?_ ” Josh says in disbelief. 

Margo puts a steadying hand on Eliot’s thigh as he starts to hyperventilate. 

“I mean yeah, I’d just been placed in a home in West Virginia and was bored as shit so I decided to test out my Traveling skills to pass the time. Wanted to visit Chicago but I was still pretty new to it. I tried to Travel too far though and got stuck halfway there in fucking Whiteland, Indiana. Ended up having to take a fucking megabus home after everything went down.” 

“Bambi! You need another drink! Come along Bambi, let's get you another cocktail!!” He yanks Margo up by her arm and over to the bar. 

“Ow, Eliot, fuck, I’m coming!” She says as she sets her full martini glass down. 

“I did make it to Chicago though, obviously. Those were some good ass pancakes.” 

Eliot whips around when he and Margo reach the bar, and runs his hand through his hair in desperation. “Can he please stop saying _Whiteland_ and _Indiana_? What is he, a broken record?” he hisses. 

Margo grabs his shaking hands. “El, honey, you’ve gotta chill, there’s no way he’s gonna know it was you unless you keep freaking the fuck out. You’re gonna out yourself as a farmboy to the whole damn Cottage.” 

“Hold on, did I hear you say Whiteland a minute ago? As in Whiteland, Indiana?” Todd asks, suddenly appearing in the room and startling everyone. 

“When the hell did he get here?” Eliot hears Kady ask Julia. 

“Fucking Todd,” Margo mutters under her breath. 

“My cousin’s from there!” Todd continues, much more cheerily than anyone has a right to be while talking about _that state_ of all places, causing Eliot to spit out the sip of alcohol he’d just taken. He swears his heart actually might stop beating soon. As if that Hell on Earth couldn’t get any worse, now there’s a _Todd connection?_

“Good old Wyatt Anderson!!” 

An uncontrollably manic laugh bursts out of Eliot. _No, no no no no no no, god please no,_ is all he can think. This _cannot_ be happening to him, not after all of the effort he’s put into shedding his past and recreating himself. If Penny realizes who he is because of _fucking Todd and his fucking cousin_ , well. Todd better hope there’s a magical equivalent of the witness protection program. 

“Uh, El? Are you okay over there?” Quentin asks, clearly concerned for his well-being as Eliot just keeps laughing and laughing more maniacally. 

“I’m fine! We’re fine. Everything is completely normal. Nothing to worry about, darling Q. Bambi just told me the most _scandalous_ joke, is all,” Eliot responds, voice strained, with a death grip on Margo’s shoulder that makes her glare at him. 

“Dude, you’re gonna leave a mark, and I don’t like that in a non-sexual context,” she says so that only Eliot can hear, prying his hand off of her. 

“Todd’s cousin, fucking Todd’s cousin. Todd’s cousin, _who I had a crush on, Margo_.” He hisses. 

Margo looks at him like she’s torn between absolute horror and twisted delight at his misfortune. What a traitor. “You’re joking.” 

“Believe me, I wish I were,” Eliot says through clenched teeth. 

“ _Ooooooh_ ,” Alice says, causing everyone to look at her in confusion. Eliot can hear the obvious recognition in her tone and knows she can see the panic in his eyes. They stare at each other for a good thirty seconds, both wide-eyed. 

“What, Alice?” Eliot pleads with her. She’s way too smart not to have figured him out. He’s doomed. He might need to start looking into some sort of identity spell himself. 

“Oh, um, I just had an epiphany about an assignment I’m working on,” she says, looking down at her lap. Thank god Alice is capable of being merciful when she wants to be. He makes a mental note to spend the rest of his time at Brakebills repaying her for this kindness. 

“Seriously, what the fuck is up with you today, Waugh?” Kady shoots Eliot a judgemental look. 

“What do you mean? I’m fine, we’re fine. Everything is _perfectly_ fucking fine!” He says, frantically mixing Margo an unnecessary drink. 

“........We visited a couple of times, they’ve got some sick hay rides.” Todd continues rambling, taking his opportunity to finally speak as the two people who usually shut him up remain occupied. 

“He’s visited, Margo, Todd has visited.” Eliot’s hair is becoming more unkempt as Todd talks. “Just when I thought that place couldn’t _possibly_ get any worse.” 

“Yeah we went to the state fair, have any of you ever been to one of those? It was amazing, have you ever tried fried butter? It’s actually delicious-” 

“Uh, yeah, cool, dude.” Penny interrupts Todd, giving him a disgusted look. “Anyway, I was trying to get to Chicago, but people would be surprised to know you burn a lot of calories while Traveling, so I got stranded in an alleyway in fucking Whiteland, Indiana of all places and needed food _immediately_. I stumbled through the backdoor of this salon and all they had in the breakroom was a shitton of hot pockets and spaghetti-os. So I opened a can and chugged it and spilled it all over myself, I was fucking _starving,_ then I was wolfing down some hot pockets. Someone who works there burst through the door, saw me absolutely drenched in tomato sauce-” Penny whips around to face Quentin, looking murderous. “Can you PLEASE stop picturing that? What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

Quentin’s face turns bright red. “I — I’m not —” he looks around the room with wide eyes. “I don’t know w-what you’re talking about,” he mutters, as if he has any chance of recovering from this when a psychic just saw into his head. 

Even in the midst of dealing with Eliot’s increasing panic, Margo cannot pass up the opportunity to tease Quentin over this. “Oh, _Q_ , is the idea of Penny with pasta sauce on his titties doing it for you?” 

Quentin lets out an embarrassed squawk. _“Can we please move on?”_ he asks desperately. If Eliot weren’t so far into his own anxiety attack, he would definitely be appreciating how cute Quentin is while this embarrassed. He’ll have to remember to tease him mercilessly later. 

“What were you, some kind of hot pocket hooligan?” Julia asks, trying to bring their focus back to the story to spare her poor best friend. 

“Hey! That’s actually what the newspapers called him!” Todd says. “How weird is that!” 

Penny ignores Todd. “Oh fuck off,” he says to Julia, as affectionately as anyone’s ever heard him, “Anyway, the worker and I stare at each other for a good minute before he asks ‘Who the heck are you?’ and what the fuck was I supposed to say? So I dodged around him and bolted through the store, a hot pocket in each hand. He started chasing me and yelled for people to stop me — this one kid tried to step in my way and I just bowled past him. Knocked him on his ass in one go. Didn’t realize I knocked someone’s cigarette out of their hand or something til I smelled the smoke. I was so turned around and this kid grabbed me, yanked me through another hallway, and pushed me out a side door. He told me if I kept to the left I would be able to get away and he’d redirect the police. I could already hear the sirens.” 

“No offense,” Josh says, unimpressed, “but this is a little bit of a let down, after the whole ‘I casually kidnapped a crocodile’ thing. You really should’ve gone into more detail on that one.” 

“This is a hell of a lot more chaotic, though,” Kady laughs. 

Eliot remembers what the scene looked like. Wyatt was a big guy, he’d been a linebacker on their highschool football team. And yet scrawny 14 year old Penny had straight up knocked him across the room. He replayed that memory in his mind more than once after he realized what an asshole Wyatt really was. 

“Luckily that other kid was there, he’s the only reason I got out. I definitely would’ve been caught without him. I bet it was that other meathead dickwad called the police.” 

“Hold on a second, that was Wyatt! The dickwad who called the cops, I mean. Wow, what a small world. He told me about it when it happened, no one in the family believed him, but apparently the entire town went crazy.” Todd laughs delightedly. “God, that guy’s the worst. The whole family hates him. Sorry about that.” 

“Why didn’t you just Travel away?” Alice asks. 

“I panicked, alright?” Penny says. “I didn’t have complete control over it yet, plus I was still way too hungry. Probably would’ve Traveled right into a volcano, or something.” 

“Wyatt always ranted when he told me about it. That this other kid...” Todd starts, turning towards Eliot and Margo, “Oh! I think it was actually another Eliot, how wild is that!” 

Eliot squeaks in response. “Well,” he says, trying to regain some semblance of control over his facial expressions. “It is an unfortunately common name.” His eye starts twitching uncontrollably anyway. 

Penny looks from Todd to Eliot. Eliot, who looks one second away from a complete mental breakdown. Eliot, who looks just as wide-eyed as he did when... _holy shit._ His hair is well-kept and curly instead of a buzzcut. He’s no longer dressed in an oversized flannel and camo cargo pants, and stands tall instead of having his shoulders and back hunched like he’s trying to shrink into himself. He’s wearing polished loafers instead of ratty dirt covered tennis shoes, but it’s him. Holy shit, _Eliot is the kid who helped him get out of that salon nine years ago._

Eliot sees the recognition in Penny’s eyes and holds his breath, certain that this will be the end of him. Penny breaks eye contact and clears his throat, “Well, that kid definitely saved my ass,” 

Eliot closes his eyes, letting out a sigh of relief. Penny now knows exactly who he is and where he’s from, but at least he’s decent enough not to out him to the rest of the group. 

Eliot finally lets himself relax — Penny and Alice aren’t going to say anything, and Bambi would sooner die than let his secret slip. He can finally let his guard down. He pours the next round of shots for everyone, thinking now’s the perfect time for a catty quip. That will finally get everyone off his case. “Yeah, and you never thanked him, either.” He says, walking away from the bar and wanting to die as soon as he realizes what just left his mouth. “I mean. I’m assuming you never thanked him.” He continues hurriedly passing out the shots as if he didn’t just basically demolish the greatest creative project of his entire life in a single sentence. “How would I know, I wasn’t there.” He tries to backtrack, and laughs nervously. Margo sighs and puts a consoling hand on his arm. 

Julia keeps looking between Eliot and Penny. “Oh, holy shit,” she says. Well, there goes all hope of him getting away with that little mishap. Honestly, fuck Eliot’s life. 

“What? What’s happening?” Todd asks Julia, who frantically shakes her head and squeaks, “Nothing!” 

“Oh shit, that was you? The kid?” Kady asks. The flush on Eliot’s face spreads down his neck and under the collar of his shirt. 

“No, I. God, no. I — What the fuck would I be doing in Indiana?” Eliot panics, “I’ve never been there in my life!” His voice cracks on the last word. 

“Ohhh, wow,” Josh says, shaking his head in pity. “You’re an even worse liar than I am, dude.” 

“I still don’t really understand what’s going on,” Todd looks around, hoping someone will fill him in on what he’s somehow missed. _How stupid can one person be?_

“Shut up, Todd,” Margo snaps, “El, baby, you doing okay?” she asks him gently, continuing to rub his arm. He’d stopped breathing about thirty second before. “Eliot, come on, you’ve gotta breathe.” 

“There’s no way we can pretend this didn’t happen, is there?” he says, putting his face in his hands. 

“I don’t really get what the big deal is. So you’re from Indiana? Who cares?” Josh says. “Hey, do you want a hit of this? It’ll help you calm down.” 

“No, I do not want a hit of that,” Eliot sneers. “None of you know what it was like growing up there. For someone like me.” He sighs, exhausted already. 

“ _OOOOOOH_ , holy shit, I get it now! _You’re_ Eliot!” Todd exclaims. “Wow, it seriously is a small world! Wait, hold on, does that mean you knew my cousin?” 

“Never speak to me again,” Eliot says, glaring daggers at Todd. “In fact, you should just move out of the Cottage. Right now. You’re banished forever.” 

Quentin stands up and walks over to Eliot, falling into place on the side Margo’s not currently occupying. “El, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Where you’re from doesn’t define who you are.” He tells Eliot gently. He’s so earnest and Eliot feels his cracks starting to mend back together. God, he’s so sweet. Eliot has never wanted to kiss him more than in this moment. 

“Listen, we’ve all got our shit. We love you anyway, my dude,” Josh supplies with a shrug. 

“We’ve all had such shitty upbringings, Eliot. None of us judge each other for it, so why would we judge you?” Alice asks sympathetically. 

“Dude, seriously, no one thinks about your life that hard,” Kady says. “Literally no one would’ve guessed that was you if you hadn’t been freaking out so much. You’ve been weird around Penny the entire time we’ve been here.” 

Eliot doesn’t understand how they can all be so easily accepting about this, like it’s not a world shattering revelation. Quentin gives his arm a supportive squeeze, smiling at him with his dimples on full display. 

“I am _so_ sorry, Eliot,” Julia cringes. “I really didn’t mean to....” 

Eliot takes a ragged breath, “I…….” he clears his throat, “It’s fine. Really.” He readjusts his tie and brushes off his sleeves. He can do this, he can be brave. These people genuinely care about him. Knowing about his past won’t change that. “Yes, I was the one who heroically saved young Penny here way back when in Whiteland. My hometown. In my home state of Indiana.” The words feel unfamiliar in his mouth. Everyone is torn between looking at him supportively and like he’s a little bit out of his mind. He can’t really blame them — he’s gone from a man on the edge to a semi-normal version of himself in a split second. 

Margo looks exasperated, but she still rubs his back in sympathy. He leans more heavily into her, desperately in need of the comfort and support that only his Bambi can provide. 

Quentin lets out a sigh of relief, “I can’t believe that was all it was. From the way you were acting around him, I thought you and Penny were secretly fucking!” He freezes, slapping a hand over his mouth. He clearly did _not_ mean to say that out loud. 

Eliot lets out a hysterical giggle at this turn of events. “What was that, darling Q?” he says as he turns to look at the smaller man next to him. 

Everyone turns to look at Quentin. “Now why would you be concerned about that, hmm?” Margo grins. 

Quentin’s face turns bright red, “Uh no, I, I just — no reason.” 

Julia bursts out laughing, “I’m so sorry!” She falls off the couch, full on cackling. “I couldn’t hold it in anymore!!!” 

Eliot can’t take his eyes off of Quentin’s panicked face, who’s trying to silently plead with Julia. 

“Jesus, we’re not fucking, Eliot isn’t even my type.” Penny scoffs. 

Eliot drags his eyes away from Quentin and whips towards Penny, “Not your type? How shockingly heteronormative of you.” 

“I’m bi, you asshole,” Penny bites back, rolling his eyes. 

“Then how, pray tell, am I not your type? I’m _everyone’s_ type.” Eliot says, raising his eyebrows. 

Penny chuckles, “I’m just not into high-maintenance, self-absorbed people. Although,” He says, turning his gaze to Quentin, “if Coldwater weren’t so goddamn annoying, I would maybe fuck _him_.” 

Quentin lets out a startled squeak, his eyes as wide as dinner plates. “Wait, what? R-really?” Eliot can practically see the images already forming in Q’s mind. 

“NO!” Julia yells, startling Quentin out of his reverie. “We are _not_ inviting my childhood best friend into our relationship.” 

For about the thousandth time today, Quentin feels like his eyes are going to bulge out of his head. “Your _what?_ Julia, are you dating Penny?” 

“And Kady,” Kady says, putting her hand in the air. 

“You said you were dating a couple of people, Julia, not that you were in a relationship with an already established couple!” 

“I’m pretty sure I was more specific than that.”  
  
“You really weren’t! I think I’d remember if you said you were dating my dickhead former roommate!” Quentin waves his hand frantically in Penny’s direction. 

“Don’t forget about me, asshole.” Kady interjects again. “She started dating me first.” 

“Uh, sorry, Kady,” Quentin says, giving her an apologetic look. “Just to be clear, I — um — I don’t think you’re a dickhead. Just Penny. Um. Now that I think about it, you guys are really cute together. You and Julia, I mean,” he says shyly, scratching the back of his head. 

“ _Hey_ ,” Penny says, flipping him off. “STOP, stop picturing that! Jesus, what is wrong with you?” 

“Q, sweetheart,” Julia says, bringing Quentin’s attention back to her before he can panic too much. “I tried to tell you, but you were too caught up with your crush on Eliot to pay proper attention.” Kady snorts loudly. 

“JULIA!” Quentin yells, giving her a wild-eyed look of betrayal. 

“Your crush on _who_?” Eliot asks, an astonished smile growing on his face. Eliot is _very_ grateful for this distraction. He genuinely cannot believe how his luck has turned around. 

“No one, my crush on no one, I _don’t have a crush on_ _anyone_.” Quentin says desperately. 

“You were thirsting over Waugh in a speedo like 20 minutes ago, Quentin, don’t try to deny it.” Penny laughs, always loving a good opportunity to give Quentin a hard time. 

“Nope, nuh uh, goodbye. I’m leaving.” Quentin says in a strangled tone, face bright red. He attempts to hastily escape the room, but Eliot blocks his path. 

“No no no, come on Q, share with the rest of the class. You have a crush on me?” he asks, putting his hands on Quentin’s shoulders. 

“Like you didn’t already know,” Quentin mutters, shrugging Eliot’s hands off his shoulders. “Can you really blame me, Eliot? You’re, well, _you._ ” 

“It was pretty obvious,” they can hear Alice saying to Josh, who nods in agreement. “I’ve known since like the first day.” 

“Oh not at all, I’m everyone’s type except for Penny here apparently. But I want to hear you say it.” 

“Can you please not make fun of me about this?” Quentin pleads, directing the full gaze of his puppy eyes at Eliot. 

Eliot grabs one of his hands, “Not making fun at all, Q. It would just be nice to have verbal confirmation that my feelings are returned.” 

“You — what?” Quentin trails off as Eliot cups his face, gazing at him tenderly. “Really?” he asks quietly, a look of absolute wonder in his eyes as he leans closer to Eliot. 

“Oh for fucks sake, boys, get your heads out of your asses,” Margo groans. “Just kiss him. _Now!_ ” 

“With pleasure, Bambi.” Eliot leans in and catches Quentin’s lips with his own. Quentin makes a desperate little noise and melts into him immediately, leaning onto his tiptoes and throwing his arms around Eliot’s neck. Eliot runs a thumb across Quentin’s cheek before moving it to the back of his neck, then pulls Quentin flush against him with an arm wound around his waist. 

“About time!” Julia cheers. “I was gonna start taking bets soon.” She reaches over and grabs Kady’s hand. 

“Thank fuck,” Penny says. “Maybe now I can finally get some goddamn peace.”  
  
“Who knows, maybe they’ll be even worse now.” Kady teases, making Penny groan. 

Quentin finally pulls back to catch his breath. “Okay, so, maybe I do have, like, a _tiny_ bit of a crush on you,” he says, panting, and Eliot beams at him. 

“Congratulations, mis hermanos!” Josh calls, raising his bong in a salute. 

Quentin goes up onto his tiptoes and gives Eliot another peck on the lips. 

“Wait, you guys weren’t already dating?” Todd asks, confused. “Huh. I could’ve sworn you were.” 

“Shut up, Todd,” Margo says, for once with no actual heat in her voice. “Be useful and go get us some snacks to celebrate.” 

“Okay!” he shrugs, easygoing as always. 

“No need,” Eliot says, taking Quentin by the hand and lacing their fingers together as he leads him in the direction of the stairs. “We can celebrate on our own.”  
  
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Margo says, slapping Quentin on the ass as he passes her. 

“Hey! Hands off my boyfriend.” Eliot scolds jokingly. 

“Uh, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing you wouldn’t do, Margo,” Quentin says, blushing and beaming at Eliot calling him his boyfriend. 

“Exactly,” she laughs delightedly. 

Quentin rolls his eyes at her as he allows Eliot to pull him up the stairs to the sound of their friends’ catcalls. 

**Author's Note:**

> All of Penny’s stories are based on actual Florida Man headlines, with the exception of the Indiana story, which actually did happen in Indiana. This was partially inspired by this post that our dear friend Eliot made: https://proof-of-peaches.tumblr.com/post/629636201233727488/florida-man-penny-adiyodi
> 
> You can find us on tumblr @ bitchesoffillory and @ kingquentin. <3


End file.
